Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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