Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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