Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
