Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
