True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
