She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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