Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
