your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
