He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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