I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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