Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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