i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
