Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
