you're like a bully in the Christmas story
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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