i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
