Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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