It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this