Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
As shirtless as possible
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
