Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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