know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
