If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
