Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
