i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
