im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Are we still banned from the library?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
