me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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