OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
