Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
