can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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