He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
