So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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