dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
