Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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