You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
