I love black thongs
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
