Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
