ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
