my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
