when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
