He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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