Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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