Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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