i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
