I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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