im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Randomize
