Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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