would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
