oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
