I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
