I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
