I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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