Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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