My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
