Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
