We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
